Slow Burn
by DLHKM
Summary: Castiel is responsible for ensuring that order is kept in Heaven. It would be foolish of him to allow his feelings for Dean Winchester to prevent him from carrying out his duties. It would be foolish of him to risk everything falling apart. But he would do foolish things for Dean. Destiel drabbles. Rated M for future drabbles.
1. The Cause

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.**

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"Brother, it is time." Hester says, and her voice is steady, unworried. But the trembling of her Grace, an almost imperceptible shudder, betrays her true feelings. Hester is apprehensive, uncertain of what is to come.

Castiel offers her a terse smile. The members of his garrison were the first to join him when he chose to oppose Raphael. They had all been exposed to humanity, had all witnessed its wonders and deemed it worth protecting, even if that meant disobeying the orders of an archangel. He values their loyalty, and the unwavering support of the angels closest to him is a great relief.

Others were more difficult to persuade.

Angels, by nature, obey orders. Especially the soldiers; the bureaucrats, however, were often self-serving, as in the case of Zachariah. Most never even consider challenging the roles allotted to them by the established hierarchy, and those who _did_ challenge their roles were sure to be cast in a negative light, even when they had done nothing wrong.

Like Gabriel.

Opinion of Gabriel improved following his death, as many angels (now his followers) viewed Gabriel's last hour as noble. Prior to the announcement of his death, however, most members of the Host were dismissive of Gabriel, branding him a "foolish coward" and scoffing whenever he was made mention of.

His crime was not following Michael's orders. In the eyes of his siblings, refusing to fall into line with the rest of the Host, refusing to partake in the fighting meant that Gabriel refused to follow God. They believed that Gabriel had lost sight of his purpose, and that by fleeing he had spat in their Father's face. He was reviled for it.

But Castiel remembers what it is to be a soldier with doubts. He has taken the path of rebellion, and he has succeeded.

But not without help.

_"He brought you back. But what about Sam? What about me, huh?" Dean's eyes radiate sadness. Watching him is agony, but Castiel cannot (and will not) look away, "Where's _my_ grand prize? All I got is my brother in a hole!"_

_And he can't help but think that Dean has completely misunderstood him in this, because his resurrection has not made him happy. He is burdened with the knowledge of Dean's misery, of Sam's sacrifice. _

_And terrified by the sudden thought that, were Dean to ask it of him, he would stay. _

_Castiel is responsible for ensuring that order is kept in Heaven. It would be foolish of him to allow his feelings for Dean Winchester to prevent him from carrying out his duties. It would be foolish of him to risk everything falling apart.  
_

_But he would do foolish things for Dean._

And now his feelings for Dean Winchester are what he clings to when the stress threatens to break him, when he doubts his ability to go on. Because Dean _fought_ for the humans. He showed Castiel what it is to be free, to do what is right.

When Castiel fights, he fights for Dean.

He fights for breathtakingly expressive green eyes, for the light that shines in them when Dean is happy. Because he knows that Dean has gone to rest, to be happy. And if Castiel cannot be the cause of his happiness (_"Where's _my_ grand prize?"_), then he will fight to ensure that nothing threatens Dean's peace.

"We are fighting for them, Hester." Castiel murmurs, placing a hand on her shoulder in what he hopes is a reassuring way, "We are fighting for their peace."

There are certain things he knows, certain things he cannot be dissuaded about; preventing the Apocalypse from being re-started is of the utmost importance, regardless of what the Word commands. His Father would not have resurrected him had he disapproved of Castiel's decisions. But closer to his heart, more pressing than the desire for his Father's approval, is his need to prevent the Winchesters' sacrifices from being made in vain.

Hester's gaze becomes pitying, and Castiel withdraws, suddenly aware of his own transparency. "And what of our peace, Castiel?"

"We will have peace when their safety is certain." He replies, hoping this will resonate with all who follow him. Because he will not rest until they are all saved. A sharpness creeps into his tone, "Our Father would not have resurrected me if he did not support my quest, Sister. In his time of isolation, it would be unwise to ignore the significance of such outright intervention."

Castiel awaits her response, and is pleased by her chastened expression. "Of course. I apologize, brother; you speak rightly." She sighs, her Grace flaring up again. The stress is affecting everyone, at this point. Normally, Hester would never voice doubt. Such a display from her, of all his siblings, is cause for worry. "The war…it takes its toll on all of us."

Castiel nods, that ever-present ache seeping into every component of his being, "Of course. I understand, sister."

(Dean calls out to him in his memories, his voice laden with weariness, with sorrow. _"What about me, huh?"_

Castiel thinks of the woman, Lisa, the one who embodies everything Dean has ever desired. _He's afraid that Dean will never call for him again. _He wonders if Dean will find his peace with her. _He's afraid that Dean will forget about him. _He wonders what Dean is doing now. _He's afraid that she won't be enough to mend his wounds. _He hopes that Dean will be happy. _He's afraid that he won't ever be happy without Dean._

Castiel wonders when this will stop hurting. _If it will stop hurting._)

Her answering smile, sadder than the one before it, tells him she already knew that.

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**A/N: A bit AU, because Sam isn't out of the Cage yet, but whatever. Just a little one-shot for y'all. Until next time!**


	2. Monster

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.**

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The first time Dean sees Castiel his immediate thought is, _'I'm gonna' _gank _that sonu__vabitch.'_

And he proceeds to _try. _The bullets bounce off. The knife does _nothing_. Castiel is an unknown, and that makes Dean uneasy. _Terrified. _What _is _this thing? What does it want with him?

He's been hunting his entire life; anything he doesn't know how to kill is…unsettling, to say the least. And not only is he going into this blind, with the demon-killing knife as the only _possibly_ effective weapon, he also has to deal with the fact that the _sight _of this thing burned out Pamela's eyes. It must be powerful.

But of course it would have to be powerful to pull him out of Hell.

(_Screams, screams, screams, screams, screams._

_"Hello, Dean…" Sick, to sound so joyful in Hell. But he was a sick man, wasn't he?  
_

He takes a long pull from his beer, unwilling to head down that road.)

That's another thing: why would this thing pull him out of the Pit (_B__lood: hot, coppery, thick, everywhere. He's choking.)_ if he's obviously doing alright on his own? Does he need someone to do his dirty work?

(_Alastair jabs and scrapes and tears, until-_

_It's the hardest choice he's ever made, but he can't-he just can't. He picks up that blade, and he leaves Dean Winchester behind. Leaves him screaming, screaming, _screaming _on the rack.)_

The thought that he might have some control over Dean makes his skin crawl. He doesn't think his anti-possession tattoo covers eye-burning, dimension-traveling monsters. Maybe the hand print on Dean's arm will let the monster control him. Maybe he's already a lost cause.

He never wanted to come back like this. He would rather be back in Hell than be this monster's lackey.

(Dean cringes at the thought, images of _hooks pulling _and _blades tearing _and _blood pouring _flicker behind his eyelids.)

He prepares himself for a high-level demon.

(_Please let it not be Alastair. Please, don't let this be a trick.)_

He gets an angel instead.

Dean doesn't really buy it-not at first, at least. But _Castiel_ obviously isn't a demon or any other thing they've discovered, and Bobby says he checks out. And then there's the whole time-traveling bit.

He still doesn't get it, though.

Why _him?_

Sure, he's a good hunter and he saves people, but doesn't the booze and love 'em and leave 'em attitude factor into the equation? He didn't think God would be on board with that.

He didn't even think there _was _a God.

(Some part of him-the part that's not preoccupied with Hunting and trying to stop the world from ending-is disappointed, because this means that God is actually _letting_ monsters kill innocent people. Letting _people _kill innocent people.

It's like finding out that Santa's real, but that he'd rather booze it up in Mexico than give out any presents.

Except more disappointing, because of the whole _"God _doesn't give a shit" thing.)

He doesn't tell Sammy about this revelation-can't bring himself to-because the kid's already been though a ton of crap: he doesn't need a spiritual crisis added to his plate.

It breaks his heart when Sam meets Uriel. He just wanted _one thing _about Sam's life to be untainted by a harsh reality. Just _one _thing. It feels like he's failed Sammy. Like he's letting him down _again._

He doesn't know how he feels about Sam meeting Castiel. Castiel's an angel, so he's a dick, but something about him makes Dean think he's not as bad as the others.

_"I have doubts." Castiel admits, a troubled look on his face._

Maybe it's because he can relate: it's not like Dean has always been fully in charge of his life. He followed his dad's orders, even when he wasn't sure how he felt about them. He sided with his dad on every issue, because his word was _absolute. _

It took Dean a _long_ time to figure out that _that_ ("Dad says…", "Dad thinks…", "It was an order, Sammy") didn't mean he was _right_.

_(Dean watches, jaw clenched, and says nothing (Sammy, Dad, Sammy, Dad-why can't he have both?) as Sam walks out that door and _doesn't come back_.)_

From the way Castiel was talking, he figures they're more or less in the same boat. Except for the part where Castiel's dad is _God_, which adds a whole new dimension to the whole abandonment issue. And, besides that…

There's something about him, something about this holy tax accountant that makes Dean feel like he _matters_.

_"You don't think you deserve to be saved?" Castiel looks like it's the only truth he's ever known, and he never quite loses that look, never quite loses his unwavering faith in Dean._

It unnerves him, at first. He struggles with Castiel's intense stares and unrestrained, sincere declarations. And then it scares him, because he starts to care. Because wide-eyed Cas, the one who _gripped him tight and raised him from Perdition, _actually _matters_ to him.

And it's never good when people become important to Dean, especially not _Cas_ important. Which leaves him wondering if there's really a precedent in his life, if there's really anything that can compare to this, this…_whatever_ between he and Cas.

The answer scares him more than anything.

Because…

"Hey, Cas…" Dean trails off, caught up in Castiel's stare. He indulges for a moment, just standing there and losing himself in those impossibly blue eyes.

Castiel tilts his head ever so slightly, his brow furrowing as he asks, "Yes, Dean?"

Dean swallows nervously, but doesn't break his stare, doesn't run away from this (_he's so tired of running_) "I love you."

And damn, Cas looks completely taken aback, but he seems to regain his senses after a moment of blank staring. He smiles his _you deserve to be saved _smile, the most convincing rendition Dean's seen, and that well of anxiety that had built up in Dean's chest drains away, because _how could he have ever doubted what Castiel feels for him?_

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**A/N: Until next time!  
**


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